Thoughts on life?!


Byumba view
Originally uploaded by Kelly C Anderson.

I wonder occasionally if people get sick of how often I post to my blog. I think the bottom line is that I do it for me, it is a place to post my feeling and observations without judgement. Just to get them out there. And also so I can reflect on them later.

I have been considering fairly deeply my mentality surrounding being here. How can I maximize my experience, just live it, instead of dwelling upon unimportant thoughts and feelings that may or may not be valid? As of now, it is tiny moments of objectivity that pull me back into the present. Driving today in the public taxi catching brief views of the gorgeous, populated hills of Kigali city. Squatting because there was only half a seat for me! Observing the expats and their babies at the Novotel swimming pool today, while I drank a beautiful coffee. Walking home in the evening, sliding on the steep dusty path leading to my house. Hearing, “mwiriwe muzungu” (good afternoon, white person).

The things that pullute my mind: is my work here really valid? What am I truly learning from it? Is “development” even right? Am I weird that I don’t like the expats? Am I lonely, or not? Who is my community? Also, just counting the weeks till I get home. I do that a lot. I do that more than I appreciate the experience here.

I am heavily using my spiritual influences to tackle the above challenges. I have been doing yoga everyday and also experimenting more with the meditation practice I gave up months ago after the course I took in it. Just sitting there, just being there. It makes sense to me, to just be here. Just have this experience for whatever it is worth, whatever I am supposed to learn, whoever I am supposed to meet.

The other thing that is on my mind all the time is Mat. How it does not feel right to be living without being in his presence. A piece of my energy, a large piece, is altered, or even missing. A piece of my ambition, drive, ability to think, is just not with me. I am just not myself, entirely. A scary and beautiful realization to have, and I have it everyday – how much I am given from being with him, how grateful I am.

I am afraid of turning everyone off reading my blog, so I will finish here! I hope everyone who I love is enjoying a nice, lazy Sunday. Reading the paper in bed, out on a nice walk, having a BBQ with some friends and family. More soon!

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~ by kcanderson on September 18, 2005.

One Response to “Thoughts on life?!”

  1. 2.5 months and counting Kelly, were almost there.

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