I often wonder what this experience is setting me up for. I have been given the gift (and also the curse) of lots of time with my own thoughts. In fact, I spend the majority of the day with the opportunity to just think. Even in my workday.
I find this utterly difficult at times. Like at work, when all I want in the world is to be busy. For something huge to drop in my lap so I can just WORK. But what does ‘work’ actually mean? What does it mean when people ask you, “what do you do?”
I ask this because I have spent the last four days in Kibuye at a strategic planning conference with my organization. I have spent four days thinking long and hard on the situation of this organization – what they really want to do, and what is holding them back. I’ve gained a very clear picture of their situation. A baby organization with a lot of political power, but lacking the infrastructure to communicate effectively with the ground level, therefore lacking in true implementation of projects and programs. It means that this organization is at the beginning of a very long walk if they are to do true work for the people living with HIV/AIDS in Rwanda.
An so I realize that there is ‘work’, and then there is real work that contributes something to the lives of individuals. My goal here for the next four months of my internship is to do something that will both build my skills, but ensure that my work is thoughful and has worth. That eventually, the energy I put into my days will help those who actually need it.
I read recently that cynicism is the most common form of naivete.
My goal has to be: to be as idealistic as possible in this working situation, to put as much positive energy into is as possible, and hope that in the end it pays off somehow.
This brings me back to my thoughts. My endless time with my thoughts. I am working to devote this think time somehow. Devote it towards creating useful work for my organization, creating personal growth, and building this experience into something that will be useful. Useful in the way it is meant to be useful.
Useful for my future. Where is this challenging work situation and massive amount of thought taking me?