Today, a check box to be marked: must blog.
I wonder to myself why I haven’t been blogging and also why I feel like I need to. I’ve stopped, most days, observing my life in the format of snippits of writing. Somehow the internal verbal monologue has slowed.
I have been loving a few things lately.
There is a couple who live in my building. They must be in their sixties. Each day I see them in their running gear at the doorway to our building. They kiss and then start out on their run. They are super fit and I could certainly not keep up with them. They get home and high-five. Every day the same. Kiss-Run-High-Five. I love this.
Last night was Mat’s graduation dinner. I am so proud of him. The place we go to eat serves incredible cheese for dessert. (I love cheese!) They bring out the cheese cart to me and I say, I want to try all of them! And they bring me a tiny piece of all of them. I’m in heaven for about half an hour, trying all these cheeses, sharing with my family members who also love cheese. I’m not sure what could be better.
Today, sitting in the sun on the patio. Watching white clouds expand and contract like whipped cream in the sky. Reading this novel – a love story – all day long. I’m watching the sunset. The shadows creep towards me and I realize I get to go to bed early and sleep in late tomorrow. There is nothing to do. I can just be me, without expectations or judgements or inadequacy or ego or fatigue that permeate some of the other days, around these other beautiful little moments that make such fun writing.
And the box is checked.
I look down at my hands on the keyboard and I’m wondering, what do I really need to be writing about?
In my head there exists a line that divides the two spaces in my mind where I live.
The first space is emotional.
I live here the most frequently. It’s the place where I feel out situations. It’s also the place where I interact with the outside world, day-to-day, moment to moment, interactions, realtionships, inspiration. It’s the place where I’m irrational, ecstatically happy, depressed or consumed by any given thing.
The second space is intangible, the witness of events, the driver.
This is the space that is constantly going in the background, works in concepts and not specifics, is grasping at something and can’t quite express that something to my conscious, emotional mind as of yet. this place in my head is more objective, but not entirely. It is always learning and drawing on the things that the universe has given me so far in my life.
I have a personal journal that I write in almost every evening. it’s in this journal that I write about the moments, the inspiration, the emotion. I write about the things I need to release somewhere or to document.
As of yet, in my life, there has not been a concrete place where I document the workings in my head that are separate from emotions. I needed a place where I could talk about the concepts that I think about:
What is international development? What drives my involvement in this field?
What does HIV/AIDS mean to me? Why do I relate to it?
Where is my role within this pandemic?
How can medicine be a facilitator to the change I need to make – in myself, or the world?
What does it mean to create change, and should that be a goal?
Should I be focused on making an impact – what is an impact? And if so, what impact should I strive to make in my small universe?
I am going to attempt to use this blog as a place for my brain to unload. I hope I can use the thoughts I write here to move towards my greater goals, towards whatever purpose I may be serving in this life.